This is a bunch of humour I copied off of a bunch of photocopies I had sitting around. Most of it is very old and not very good.


Medical Definitions

Due to recent government cutbacks in health care you may need to get involved in some do-it-yourself medicine. So that you are ready here are some important terms:

Artery The study of fine paintings
Barium What you do when the patient dies
Bunion Paul's Surname
Caesarian Section A district in Rome
Cat Scan When the Secret Service looks for Socks
Cauterize Made Eye contact with
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation Mark
Congenital Friendly
Constipation Endangered feces
Coronary Domesticated Yellow Bird
D&C Where Washington is
Dilate To live long
Enema Opposite of friend
Fester Quciker
Fibrilate To tell a small lie
Genital Non-jew
Grippe A suitcase
Hang Nail A coat rack
Hernia Pertaining to a female's knee
Humerus To tell us what we want to hear
Intestine Currently taking an exam
Minor Operation Coal Digging
Morbid A higer Offer
Nitrate Lower than the day rate
Node Was aware of
Organic musical
Out Patient A person who has fainted
Ova Finished; done with
Pap Smear TO slander your father
Paradox Two Doctors
Pelvis The evil twin of Evlis
Penis Someone who plays the piano
Protein In favour of young people
Rectum Dang near killed him
Sacrum Holy
Seizure Roman Emperor
Sperm To reject, look away from
Tablet A small table
Tumor An extra pair
Urine The opposite of "you're out"
Varisose Veins Veins very close together
White Count The number of caucasians
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Round Tuits


A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procratination.

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25 Ways to Cope With Stress

  1. Jam miniature mashmallows up your nose an sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
  2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
  3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  4. When someone says "Have a nice day, " tell them you have other plans.
  5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
  6. Dance naked in front of your pets
  7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing is wrong.
  8. Fill out your tax forms using roman numerals.
  9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and drop them from high places.
  10. Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
  11. Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
  12. Go shopping. Buy Everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
  13. Buy a subscription to "Sleeziod Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
  14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
  15. Drive to work in Reverse
  16. Find out what a from in a blender really looks like.
  17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule," and let him figure it out.
  18. Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
  19. Polish your car with ear wax.
  20. Read the dictionary upside down and lock for hidden messages
  21. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
  22. Braid the hairs in each nostril
  23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
  24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they are in jail.
  25. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Bonus: Replace the filling in a Twinkey with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

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Diet Rules

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.
  2. If you eat a candy bar with a diet soda, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you only eat as much as they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes are NEVER counted, such as hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. Movie and TV foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's daily fuel; such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  6. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  7. Things licked off of knives and spoons during the process of preperation have no calories. Example: peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich.
  8. Food of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pictachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
  9. If you fatten up everyone else you look thinner.
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Social Services

The following were taken from actual letters of application for support athe Ministry of Community and Social Sevrices.
  1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven paper for them but one died.
  2. I am writting to say that my baby was born two years old. When will I be paid?
  3. Mrs. J. has been without clothes for two years and has been vistited regularly by the clergy.
  4. ...glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
  5. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with now can't eat or do anything until he knows.
  6. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
  7. You have changed my boy to a girl form. Will this make any difference.
  8. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the encolsed envelope.
  9. In answer tyou your letter, I have given birth to a boy waighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
  10. This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it?
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Don't Come To Me

When things go wrong
As they usually will

And you daily road
seems all up hill

When funds are low
and debts are high

When you try to smile
but can only cry

And you really feel
you'd like to quit

DONT COME TO ME

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!

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Meetings

Are you lonely?
Hate having to make decisions?
Rather talk about it than do it?
Want to pass the buck?

HOLD A MEETING!

Sharpen skills in meaningless verbal interaction.
Laern to off-load decisions.
Write volumes of meaningless rhetoric.
Feel important; impress your colleages.
Catch up on your sleep.

AND ALL ON WORK TIME!

Meetings:
the practical alternative to work

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To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern:

The Occupational Saftey and Health Administration (OHSA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity of my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install handrails and safety straps.

As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Thank you.

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Don't Worry

There's only two things in life to worry about.
Being healthy and being sick.
If you are healty... then there's nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, the there's only two things to worry about.
If you are goiung to live or going to die.
If you live... then there's nothing to worry about.
If you die, then there's only two things to worry about.
Wheter you go to heaven or go to hell.
If you go to heaven... then there is nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you'll be too busy talking with all your friends to worry!

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Planning

NOTICE
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

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Senior Citizens Beat Inflation

A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?" The man said "Will you watch us have sexual instercourse." The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $30. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointmnet, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked :Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said "Were not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. Whe do it here for $32 and I get back $26 from Blue Bross for a visit to the doctor's.

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Winter Diary

December 8 - 5pm and its beginning to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot rums and sat by the window. The soft snowflakes drifted down and it was an absolutly magnificent sight.

December 9 - We woke this morning to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled for the first time in years and it really felt good. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later the snowplow came along and covered up the driveway with compact snow from the street. He smiled and wavved and I waved back and smiled at hime and shovelled the driveway again.

December 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get a little more before winter is over.

December 14 - In snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to zero. Shovelled the sidewalk and the driveway again. Shortly after I finished the snowplow came alogn and did his trick.

December 15 - Sold out car today and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could get around in the snow easier. Also bought snow tires for the pickup just to be safe.

December 18 - Fell on my ass in the drivewat. Chiropractor charged me 48.00 but nothing broke. Thank God. The sky is getting dark again.

December 19- Still cold (minus 10 this morning) and the roads are icy making driving difficult. I slid into a guard rail with my wife's car. Probably $500 damage. She is all pissed off and gave me shit.

December 20 - We had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shovelling in store for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice today.

December 22 - we are assured of a White XMas because another 7 inches of that shit fell today and with this freezing weather it won;t melt until next August. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit agina. Put on winter boots, jumpsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc. and then got the urge to PEE, by now I need a bowel movement too.

December 24 - If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch taht drives that snowplow I'll drag him throufh the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the the corner until I've finished shovelling., then he comes down the street, 100 miles an hour throwing that shit everywhere he can.

December 25 - MERRY XMAS.... they predict 12 more inches of the fucking white shit again tonight. Does anyone know how many GOd Damn shovels full of snow 12 inches makes? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel all this white shit, just so we can have a MERRY XMAS. That damn snowplow operator just came by asking for a donation for their Xmas fund. I hit him with my fucking shovel. Doctors thing he will live!

December 28 - We got 12 more inches. I must be going snow blind or I have a severe case of depression, because my wife is starting to look beautiful.

Decmber 29 - Don't eat the brown snow around our house because the toilet froze up and we have to piss outside. The roof is starting to cave in and the well went dry.

December 30 - I torche dthe damn house today!

January 4 - We arrived in Mesa today and some local asshole just gave me the finger. I hope the prick has to shovel his way out of a North Dakota snow storm, bare assed and 40 below zero.

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Fartilizer Club

Dear Sir/Madame:

This letter is being sent to you as we know that you are interested in your lawn. The summer season is now upon us. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you one cent to join.

Upon receiving this letterm go to the house on the top of the list and shit on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there so don't be embarassed. The make 5 copies of this letter and send that to 5 friends. You will not get any money or cheques., but within 1 week -- if this chain is not broken -- ther will be 9216 people shitting on your lawn. You reward will come next year when you will have the greenest lawn in the neighbourhood.

Here is the list of fellow shits:

Mrs. Harry Butt
234 Corn Cob Alley

Mr. A. Bigger Movement
96 rectum Rd.

Mrs Lucy Bowels
29 Bed Pan Court

Mr. G. Howie Farts
733 Fartilizer St.

Mr. Smelly B. Hind
276 Diarrhea Way

Mr. Charles Syringe
5 Suppository Lane

Mrs. Opal Crap
1244 Enema Drive

Mr & Mrs Took A Fixit
276 Running Loose Lane

PS. If you are constipated pass ths along to you neighbor. Do not break the chain. One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.

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Created: May 9, 2000
Last Updtaed Aug 20, 2000