|Artery||The study of fine paintings|
|Barium||What you do when the patient dies|
|Caesarian Section||A district in Rome|
|Cat Scan||When the Secret Service looks for Socks|
|Cauterize||Made Eye contact with|
|Colic||A sheep dog|
|Coma||A punctuation Mark|
|Coronary||Domesticated Yellow Bird|
|D&C||Where Washington is|
|Dilate||To live long|
|Enema||Opposite of friend|
|Fibrilate||To tell a small lie|
|Hang Nail||A coat rack|
|Hernia||Pertaining to a female's knee|
|Humerus||To tell us what we want to hear|
|Intestine||Currently taking an exam|
|Minor Operation||Coal Digging|
|Morbid||A higer Offer|
|Nitrate||Lower than the day rate|
|Node||Was aware of|
|Out Patient||A person who has fainted|
|Ova||Finished; done with|
|Pap Smear||TO slander your father|
|Pelvis||The evil twin of Evlis|
|Penis||Someone who plays the piano|
|Protein||In favour of young people|
|Rectum||Dang near killed him|
|Sperm||To reject, look away from|
|Tablet||A small table|
|Tumor||An extra pair|
|Urine||The opposite of "you're out"|
|Varisose Veins||Veins very close together|
|White Count||The number of caucasians|
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procratination.
And you daily road
seems all up hill
When funds are low
and debts are high
When you try to smile
but can only cry
And you really feel
you'd like to quit
DONT COME TO ME
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!
HOLD A MEETING!
Sharpen skills in meaningless verbal interaction.
Laern to off-load decisions.
Write volumes of meaningless rhetoric.
Feel important; impress your colleages.
Catch up on your sleep.
AND ALL ON WORK TIME!
the practical alternative to work
The Occupational Saftey and Health Administration (OHSA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity of my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install handrails and safety straps.
As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.
December 9 - We woke this morning to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled for the first time in years and it really felt good. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later the snowplow came along and covered up the driveway with compact snow from the street. He smiled and wavved and I waved back and smiled at hime and shovelled the driveway again.
December 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get a little more before winter is over.
December 14 - In snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to zero. Shovelled the sidewalk and the driveway again. Shortly after I finished the snowplow came alogn and did his trick.
December 15 - Sold out car today and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could get around in the snow easier. Also bought snow tires for the pickup just to be safe.
December 18 - Fell on my ass in the drivewat. Chiropractor charged me 48.00 but nothing broke. Thank God. The sky is getting dark again.
December 19- Still cold (minus 10 this morning) and the roads are icy making driving difficult. I slid into a guard rail with my wife's car. Probably $500 damage. She is all pissed off and gave me shit.
December 20 - We had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shovelling in store for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice today.
December 22 - we are assured of a White XMas because another 7 inches of that shit fell today and with this freezing weather it won;t melt until next August. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit agina. Put on winter boots, jumpsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc. and then got the urge to PEE, by now I need a bowel movement too.
December 24 - If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch taht drives that snowplow I'll drag him throufh the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the the corner until I've finished shovelling., then he comes down the street, 100 miles an hour throwing that shit everywhere he can.
December 25 - MERRY XMAS.... they predict 12 more inches of the fucking white shit again tonight. Does anyone know how many GOd Damn shovels full of snow 12 inches makes? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel all this white shit, just so we can have a MERRY XMAS. That damn snowplow operator just came by asking for a donation for their Xmas fund. I hit him with my fucking shovel. Doctors thing he will live!
December 28 - We got 12 more inches. I must be going snow blind or I have a severe case of depression, because my wife is starting to look beautiful.
Decmber 29 - Don't eat the brown snow around our house because the toilet froze up and we have to piss outside. The roof is starting to cave in and the well went dry.
December 30 - I torche dthe damn house today!
January 4 - We arrived in Mesa today and some local asshole just gave me the finger. I hope the prick has to shovel his way out of a North Dakota snow storm, bare assed and 40 below zero.
This letter is being sent to you as we know that you are interested in your lawn. The summer season is now upon us. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you one cent to join.
Upon receiving this letterm go to the house on the top of the list and shit on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there so don't be embarassed. The make 5 copies of this letter and send that to 5 friends. You will not get any money or cheques., but within 1 week -- if this chain is not broken -- ther will be 9216 people shitting on your lawn. You reward will come next year when you will have the greenest lawn in the neighbourhood.
Here is the list of fellow shits:
Mrs. Harry Butt
234 Corn Cob Alley
Mr. A. Bigger Movement
96 rectum Rd.
Mrs Lucy Bowels
29 Bed Pan Court
Mr. G. Howie Farts
733 Fartilizer St.
Mr. Smelly B. Hind
276 Diarrhea Way
Mr. Charles Syringe
5 Suppository Lane
Mrs. Opal Crap
1244 Enema Drive
Mr & Mrs Took A Fixit
276 Running Loose Lane
PS. If you are constipated pass ths along to you neighbor. Do not break the chain. One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.